I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU

I had a dream last night that I was walking through a forest. It was a beautiful place. As I walked I felt completely at ease with my surroundings and was feeling a sort of spiritual enlightenment. There were birds chirping, deer carefully nibbling on low hanging leaves, and squirrels…lots of squirrels. Every tree had its fair share of squirrel nests, and at times their number blocked the sun and created pockets of cold and dark. In order to avoid the depressing patches of shade, I began walking in strange patterns. Though it required more effort and forethought, the fact that I was avoiding the pools of gloom did not hamper my relaxed euphoria. I continued on and reached the edge of a sheer cliff. To my side there was a most awesome waterfall; which fell so far I could not see where it ended.

I sat there, in the bright sun, soaking in the warmth and majesty from everything around me. Then, from out of nowhere, I started hearing booms, explosions, death. All around me, and for as far as the eye could see, thousands of small explosions were creating a most deafening atmosphere. Frozen, I just sat staring, listening, wondering. Then, right above me there were a number of explosions, and I cringed and curled up with fear. Right after the first explosion I felt something hitting me. Numb, I uncurled to find that blood was dripping from the trees, slowly coating me in layer of thick red liquid. Bewildered, I squinted from stinging eyes across the horizon. The waterfall had turned red, and the vast forest was silent. Then it started to rain bits of flesh and fur. Running for shelter under a giant oak tree, small bits of guts, bone, flesh pelted me harder than you’d think they were capable of. Running, the ground became slippery with the remains of forest life. Slipping, falling, landing on my back to look up at a tree full of delapidated nests dripping. As I lay there, a magpie landed on a branch above.

A conversation with th’con

th’con: I was talking to KH about you yesterday. He recounted another horrible Chiam Royal Oak story to me.

chiam: Oh? Which one?

th’con: It was the one where you made fun of the guy with tourettes. Do you remember there was some weird guitar player guy who used to hang out at the Royal Oak?

chiam: No man, I do not.

th’con: And he would kind of blurt shit out. haha. Not swearing, but just blurt shit out.

chiam: So I made fun of him and people were pissed at me?

th’con: Well, you started making fun of him. We were all telling you to stop, although not as forcefully as we probably should have and by forcefully, I mean punching you in the face. And then the guy got up, came over, and had to explain himself to you. hahahaaha. It was horribly awkward.

chiam: Yeah. I seem to remember that now. I felt like complete shit and cut myself a few times in the shower later that night because of all the guilt.

th’con: Oh fuck. You are priceless my friend.

chiam: In all seriousness, I should have said “SIR! I TOO HAVE A FORM OF TOURETTES. IT’S THE FORM THAT NOTICES OTHER PEOPLE WITH TOURETTES AND MAKES ME MAKE FUN OF THEM. I CANNOT HELP MYSELF, AS YOU ARE AWARE, SO GO SIT DOWN BEFORE MY SKITZO ACTS UP.” Yeah, that would have been the optimal answer at the time.

th’con: Heh, It’s amazing you haven’t been shot yet. You are easily the worst communist I have ever met.